www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcNtjmRY5io

Principle 1: Take notice of even the small achievements of others and compliment them. We tend to take a lot of things for granted. Good leaders don’t do that. They notice and appreciate the small and big things people do for them and the organization.

Principle 2: Avoid pointing out mistakes directly. Nobody likes to make mistakes and when they do they are usually ashamed of it themselves. If we subtly point out the mistakes instead of making a big notice of them, people respect and appreciate us more. Leaders are subtle and indirect to find fault. They also allow others to save face if needed.

Principle 3: Feel free to point out your own mistakes. Leaders make others believe “it’s human to err”. They don’t try to cover up or blame others for something which they might have done wrong. This makes people appreciate and trust them more.

Principle 4: Don’t boss around. Nobody likes their boss because bosses order around the place. They are usually dictatorial by nature and want things done only in their way. Leaders on the other hand ask questions and guide people rather than order them. They let people find their own way to achieve the common goal.

Principle 5: Praise. Leaders are generous with their compliments and appreciation. They notice every change made and find ways to directly and indirectly encourage people by their noting and talking about all improvement.

Principle 6: Set standards for oneself and others to achieve. All of us like to live to our reputation. Leaders build our reputation a little higher than the actual to help us strive for better and deliver more. They also ensure they live up to the standards they set for themselves. They always ‘practice what they preach’.

Principle 7: Leaders are happy people and they make others happy. They help others see the brighter side of things and situations which instills faith and confidence. People love doing things for them and with them because they charge the environment with positive energy by being positive themselves.

Not everyone is a leader but everyone can become a leader because leaders are not born, leaders are made. Make the decision and become the leader you admire.

So how do you influence people? How can you bring them closer to you and value your ideas and opinions more? Here’s a start.

1. Show respect for their ideas. Even when you do not agree with them start with appreciating them. You can always add a “but I also think” and then state your point of you. If you start with a disagreement you’ve already biased your friends against you while when you start with an agreement you win their appreciation and willingness to listen to you. Make sure you never say “you’re wrong”. It is a sure way to put people off.
2. It is also equally important to admit that you are wrong whenever you are wrong. Sometimes we tend to cover up our faults because we think our friends will respect us less if they knew we’d made a mistake but actually good friends will respect you a lot more if you accept and apologize for where you went wrong.
3. Present your ideas in such a way that your friends think it was theirs. Everyone likes credit. If you don’t fall in that rat race and let others take the credit you will at least have the satisfaction of getting things your way. Don’t make an ego battle of whose idea it is, enjoy and watch your plans work out.
4. Be empathetic. Listen attentively to what they are feeling behind what they are saying. If you can develop the art of letting others talk their heart out to you, be sure they are going to go the extra mile for you.
5. Avoid arguments. Arguments send out a lot of negative energy which is unhealthy for relationships. The ego battle that results out of every fight is a no-win one. So understand that you can always “agree to disagree”. Be mature and sensible about the fact that just because someone thinks or feels differently from you does not mean they’re wrong or that they don’t like you or value your beliefs.
6. Dramatize your ideas. Make them seem larger than life and exciting that people would get interested in getting to know you and your thoughts better. A simple example would be like if you want to invite some friends out for a picnic you could either simply ask them out saying “would you like to join me to the resort this weekend?” or you can dramatize it by saying something like “there’s this great resort 100km from here. It’s not only got the usual stuff like the swimming  pool, club house, sauna etc but it is also close to a wild life sanctuary. I’m quite excited about going there this weekend. Would you want to join in?”
7. Get friends in a habit of saying ‘yes’ to you. You can make a start by asking them questions which are not only simple but also a sure shot yes. Once they get a feel that you’re usually going to come up with agreeable statements they would even accept some of the disputable ones.

Zig Ziglar said “if you go looking for a friend, you’re going to find that they’re very scarce. if you go out and be a friend, you’ll find them everywhere.” If you want your friends to hear you, be with you, respect you, do the same for them. The better friend you are to them the more attached and influenced they are by you.

1. Smile. It not only improves your face value it also radiates warmth which attracts people. It’s the perfect magnet to draw the attention of strangers in a positive manner. A smile is usually returned back with a smile and that’s the start of a good communication.
2. Remember names. It is very important that you ask the name of the other person and it is even more important that you remember it. When you meet someone for the second time and recall them with their name you win a lot of brownie points. Everyone loves to be known and the moment they feel you know them and remember them they grow closer to you. But don’t expect them to remember your name so always re-introduce yourself with your name and not make them feel uncomfortable about the fact that they forgot your name.
3. Talk about them. People love to talk about themselves. Encourage the behaviour. The more you let them talk and become genuinely interested in them and their interests, the better they relate to you and like you.
4. Make others feel important. When you listen empathetically to others and relate to their likes and interests they feel important. This becomes your trump card to win the popularity contest.
5. Give more, expect less. Most of us lose friends because we begin to assume that the other person should also do for us all that we do for them. Doesn’t work. People are inherently self-centered. If you are expecting them to change intrinsically for you then your expectations need a correction. Usually successful friendships are mutually sharing but that is definitely not a starting premise.

In your garden of friendship remember you are the one sowing the seeds. You would need to be the one who has to water and protect your seed for a long time till it grows and is able to share its fruits with you. Make time to nurture it unconditionally and taste the sweetness of fruits for a lifetime.

1. Listen. We are so used to talking and lecturing as to what we believe is right and better for them that we never notice or make time to listen to them or their point of view. Teenagers have over the years developed a mind of their own. Their set of limited experiences has taught them quite a few things too. They believe they know what’s good for them. Make time to hear out their point of view. If you feel the need to change it, first empathize with it, win your child’s confidence and then suggest a change. Half your battle is won the moment you stop correcting and imposing instead start listening and suggesting.
2. Let them make mistakes. As parents we always want to protect our children and make sure nothing hurts them. However, teenage in an age when children want to experiment and learn. Overprotecting them frustrates them. So does this mean we just watch them do what they want? Definitely not. We need to warn them about all potential dangers of the experiment and encourage them to make an informed choice rather than follow an order. They will commit more to their choice than your order.
3. Give them responsibility. Make them feel like an adult in charge of certain things in the family and their life. For example, make them in charge of their finances by giving a fixed pocket money for the month. Do not indulge them over and above that amount so that they learn to value money and budget.
4. Negotiate. Teenagers need their freedom and space to grow. You cannot keep controlling their timings and activities. It is important to let them to feel in charge. However you can set the limits with their consent. For example you want them home at 10pm from a party and they want to stay till 11pm, suggest a 9pm deadline and they will be happy with 10pm. That way they feel they got their way and stick to the deadline with a smile rather than a sulk and fight.
5. Trust. Teenagers are vulnerable and parents get paranoid. The more you doubt them, their friends, their activities the more they tend to lie to you. This obviously makes you trust them less and makes them distance themselves from you more. Have faith in them and their judgment. Give your opinions about their friends, activities etc as suggestions rather than doubts.
6. Do not criticize. None of us like being criticized and teenage is a time when we are a lot more sensitive. It is very important as parents that we are supportive and encouraging in these years rather than critical and corrective. Focus on what your child has done well and either ignore or casually suggest ways of improving for wherever he has not well.
7. Be open to learn. We as parents don’t always know best. Our teenagers have a lot to teach us if we are willing and open to learn. Accept your mistakes and give them their due credit. You will become best friends and relationships will become very smooth and easy.

Teenage is a time when children want to discover themselves. It is a time when they develop their individuality and identity. It is important for us as parents to understand and respect this. We need to give them the space to learn by their experience and mistakes and yet gently guide them with our experience and knowledge.

So what might some of these things be? How can we get our dear ones to love us and understand us better and grow closer to us? Here are a few tips to begin with.

Most of us have a nasty habit of blaming, cribbing and complaining when things go wrong. More often than not we don’t even notice how we contributed to the situation but are quick to find fault and criticize the other. Take a simple example; you didn’t like your friend negatively commenting on the clothes you’re wearing. How do you react? Do you snap saying something to the effect “look at your clothes before commenting on mine” or “you never like what I wear, all you do is criticize, you are insensitive and proud”? Chances are that if you’ve reacted in this manner your friend would get defensive and a long argument would follow. There would be lots of blaming and fault finding ending in anger and hard feelings. Does this mean you keep quiet and ignore your friends comment? NO. You must express your feelings at all times but you can change your style of expression. Try using what is called the ‘I’ language. Try saying “I guess my clothes don’t look that great but I feel good in them. Also I would really like it if you could avoid criticizing my dress sense since it really hurts me when you do so. I know, you probably do it for my good but it would make me very happy if we didn’t discuss this.” Notice, at no point in the above statements do you blame your friend. You don’t get back at your friend and at the same time clearly state that you don’t like the negative comments.

There are a few “do’s” also to make relationships stronger. Do compliment, appreciate and praise your dear ones as much as you can. It is inherent to all humans that we seek recognition. You love it when someone compliments you… don’t you? All of us feel the same. The more compliments you dish out, the more affection flows back. However, there is a catch here. If your compliments are not genuine you’ll get caught sooner or later. Then people will begin to think of you as the cunning fox who says good things to try and get her way. They would not trust you or your words. You will make more enemies than friends, so make sure you find the strengths of the other person and highlight that only rather than just say nice things to sound nice.

We all want things to go our way. Most of us believe that we are always right and that often leads to either a battle of egos or one person feeling victimized by the other. So what is the way out? Get onto the mind of the other person. Try and figure where they are coming from and if they were to choose to think in the way you do, what is in it for them. Like Henry Ford said, “if there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other persons point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” If you can get others to want what you want by showing them the advantage of your thinking rather than just stating it to be true, you are more likely to influence and win their confidence and respect. Professor Overstreet said, “First arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.”

Pleasing people does not guarantee a strong and healthy relationship. More often than not it leads to greater frustration and distance. The secret to great friendships and lasting relationships with is clear open communication. No blaming, lots of praising and trying to see things as much from the others point of view as your own. Make the change in approach and then compliment your coach!

So how do you begin?

‘Relax’. The more anxious you become about the interaction the more likely you are to make it an unpleasant one. This is because your anxiety can be perceived by the person you are interacting with and that makes them feel uncomfortable too. When your mind and body is relaxed you can feel more self assured and have a better conversation with people and they would tend to respect you more.

‘Maintain a good eye contact’. People like to be looked at when being spoken to. If you look here and there while conversing with them they would either feel insulted or tune off from the conversation. When you do look at them they feel you are attending to them and their needs and are more likely to feel comfortable with you.

‘Talk less, listen more.’ The myth most of us believe is that one needs to talk well to be able to socialize well. But then, if everyone talks, who listens? The art of making good conversation involves attentive and active listening. This can be shown by verbal and non-verbal cues like nodding, positive eye contact or rephrasing in your words the other persons concerns or comments and so on and so forth. By doing so, the other person gets a feeling that you are genuinely concerned about him and therefore develops greater trust in you.

‘Express Clearly.’ It is important that you are confident and straight in your conversation. People like others when they are frank and open about their thoughts and feelings. Avoid beating around the bush in conversations.

‘Appreciate’. All of us love receiving compliments. Be generous in giving them! Also learn to accept them gracefully. The more you learn to use phrases like ‘thank-you’, ‘it was a pleasure’, ‘that was wonderful’ and so on and so forth the more you increase your chances of being liked and reciprocated with the same.

‘Ask Questions.’ Open ended questions like ‘what do you think about…’ or ‘how do you manage…’ are good ways to encourage people to talk. The more you encourage opinions and self disclosure the more likely are the chances of winning over confidence of the other person.

‘Empathize.’ Empathy means the ability to understand someone else’s feelings as if they were one’s own. It goes a long way in establishing a relationship of comfort with other people because they feel that you know them and can therefore relate to you easily.

Every building needs a strong foundation to take whatever is built on it. Similarly, practicing the above would give you a strong foundation to start with. But, just like every building has its own architecture, people have different personalities and dealing with them is an individualistic art. You would need to learn more principles about handling people in different spheres of your life to help you design your building the way you love it.

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