So what might some of these things be? How can we get our dear ones to love us and understand us better and grow closer to us? Here are a few tips to begin with.

Most of us have a nasty habit of blaming, cribbing and complaining when things go wrong. More often than not we don’t even notice how we contributed to the situation but are quick to find fault and criticize the other. Take a simple example; you didn’t like your friend negatively commenting on the clothes you’re wearing. How do you react? Do you snap saying something to the effect “look at your clothes before commenting on mine” or “you never like what I wear, all you do is criticize, you are insensitive and proud”? Chances are that if you’ve reacted in this manner your friend would get defensive and a long argument would follow. There would be lots of blaming and fault finding ending in anger and hard feelings. Does this mean you keep quiet and ignore your friends comment? NO. You must express your feelings at all times but you can change your style of expression. Try using what is called the ‘I’ language. Try saying “I guess my clothes don’t look that great but I feel good in them. Also I would really like it if you could avoid criticizing my dress sense since it really hurts me when you do so. I know, you probably do it for my good but it would make me very happy if we didn’t discuss this.” Notice, at no point in the above statements do you blame your friend. You don’t get back at your friend and at the same time clearly state that you don’t like the negative comments.

There are a few “do’s” also to make relationships stronger. Do compliment, appreciate and praise your dear ones as much as you can. It is inherent to all humans that we seek recognition. You love it when someone compliments you… don’t you? All of us feel the same. The more compliments you dish out, the more affection flows back. However, there is a catch here. If your compliments are not genuine you’ll get caught sooner or later. Then people will begin to think of you as the cunning fox who says good things to try and get her way. They would not trust you or your words. You will make more enemies than friends, so make sure you find the strengths of the other person and highlight that only rather than just say nice things to sound nice.

We all want things to go our way. Most of us believe that we are always right and that often leads to either a battle of egos or one person feeling victimized by the other. So what is the way out? Get onto the mind of the other person. Try and figure where they are coming from and if they were to choose to think in the way you do, what is in it for them. Like Henry Ford said, “if there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other persons point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” If you can get others to want what you want by showing them the advantage of your thinking rather than just stating it to be true, you are more likely to influence and win their confidence and respect. Professor Overstreet said, “First arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.”

Pleasing people does not guarantee a strong and healthy relationship. More often than not it leads to greater frustration and distance. The secret to great friendships and lasting relationships with is clear open communication. No blaming, lots of praising and trying to see things as much from the others point of view as your own. Make the change in approach and then compliment your coach!

“I have to be perfect”…

“I should always tell the truth”…

How often do you catch yourself making such statements to yourself? Most of us are programmed right from childhood to freely use the ‘should’ – ‘must’ – ‘have to’ rule book on ourselves and others.

So what happens when we use the rule book?

More often than not when we repeatedly give ourselves these commandments and expect the same from others, we are unable to execute them all the time and that increases our frustration and stress level. For example, if our rule book says “One must never be late”, each time we run even 5 minutes late for a meeting we get anxious and worked up which may actually result in a poor performance because of the heightened anxiety. Similarly, if someone else turns up even 5 minutes late, we tend to get frustrated and angry with them as we feel they don’t value time.

Does this mean we should have no rules?

Yes, it does mean we have no rules for ourselves. We are not a government or a school or an institution that our thoughts have to be governed by rules and regulations. We are free individuals who have the ability to choose what they want. CHOOSE. That’s the keyword here.

It’s important to understand that life is a series of choices and preferences. “It’s preferable to always be on time.” That’s a positive choice which would be favorable for us. At the same time, it does not burden us with the stress of occasionally being late and also gives room to others if they are occasionally late.

The key to success is the ability to be flexible and conscious of the choices we make in life. Changing our attitude and approach is crucial to our success. If you find that you are getting very stressed and irritated, it would be a good idea for you to write out the rules that govern your life. Just make a note each time you knowingly or unknowingly use the words – ‘should’, – ‘must’, – ‘have to’. You’ll surprise yourself with how rigid your thinking is!

Step two, would be to change all the ‘should – must – have to’ rules to preferences. You would need to substitute the statements with phrases like ‘it’s preferable to’ or ‘it’s better to’ or ‘it’s nicer if’. Convert all rules to choices and you will see how the freedom of thought relieves your stress.

It’s better to have discipline in life as it helps us organize and execute better. It’s nicer if one is successful in life. Success is achieved when stress levels are optimal. It’s up to you to go ahead and make positive choices which will work in your favor and yet not bog you down with what you think must be done to achieve success.

What is stress?

Stress is a response to real and imagined event that alters the normal functioning of the body.

Stress arises when a situation is perceived as stressful. Stress is often associated with situations that you find difficult to handle. How you view things also affects your stress level. If you have very high expectations, chances are that you will experience more than your fair share of stress.

Stress Reactions

Stress, either quick or constant, can induce risky disorders. Immediate disorders such as dizzy spells, anxiety attacks, tension, sleeplessness, nervousness and muscle cramps can all result in chronic health problems. Stress reactions vary tremendously in their severity from mild uneasiness to extreme terror and panic. They may also affect our immunity, cardiovascular and nervous systems and lead individuals to habitual addictions, which are inter-linked with stress.

Some changes in attitude to help you cope with stress

Stop trying to be a superwoman or a superman. You cannot be perfect and you cannot do it all. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help when you are overwhelmed and busy.

Go easy when it comes to criticism. Avoid expecting too much from others or yourself. Effective coping with stress is about being happy with what you have.

Share your feelings. Talking to a friend or loved one after having a stressful day is a great way of coping with emotional stress. Remember, you don’t have to do it alone.

Coping with stress is also about being flexible and living a balanced life. Neither let others impose their points of view on you nor reject them altogether. Try to be patient instead of judgmental, listen to others and think it over before making a decision.

Some practical strategies to help you cope with stress

Get organized - Coping with stress is all about planning. You can plan to fail or plan to succeed. Organize time for work, family, hobbies, spiritual time, time with friends and time alone, time for exercise and time for relaxation.

Visualize the best outcome - Coping with stress is about knowing how to deal with a stressful situation before it occurs. Rehearse how you are going to handle it. Picture yourself being successful in coping with stress.

Take a break – It is a good idea to do fun things such as watching a movie or playing a video game or going for a drive etc. for a while every day. Developing an active hobby like gardening or drawing or playing music etc is also an excellent stress buster.

Don’t Postpone Actions - One of the best strategies for coping with stress is not to put off actions until tomorrow if you can do it today. Situations become more difficult when you defer. Do your least favorite chores first, followed by rewards.

Be realistic – Set realistic goals. Emphasize quality over quantity. Work at a leisurely pace, taking breaks often.

Sleep, eat, and exercise – Coping with stress is all about treating your body properly. Eat food that nourish you, exercise and get plenty of sleep.

So here’s an A – Z of Stress Management:

• Always take time for yourself, at least 30 minutes per day.
• Be aware of your own stress meter: Know when to step back and cool down.
• Concentrate on controlling your own situation, without controlling everybody else.
• Daily exercise will burn off the stress chemicals.
• Eat lots of fresh fruit, veggies, bread and water; give your body the best for it to perform at its best.
• Forgive others, don’t hold grudges and be tolerant — not everyone is as capable as you.
• Gain perspective on things, how important is the issue?
• Hugs, kisses and laughter: Have fun and don’t be afraid to share your feelings with others.
• Identify stressors and plan to deal with them better next time.
• Judge your own performance realistically; don’t set goals out of your own reach.
• Keep a positive attitude, your outlook will influence outcomes and the way others treat you.
• Limit alcohol, drugs and other stimulants, they affect your perception and behaviour.
• Manage money well, seek advice and save at least 10 per cent of what you earn.
• No is a word you need to learn to use without feeling guilty.
• Outdoor activities by yourself, or with friends and family, can be a great way to relax.
• Play your favourite music rather than watching television.
• Quit smoking: It is stressing your body daily, not to mention killing you too.
• Relationships: Nurture and enjoy them, learn to listen more and talk less.
• Sleep well, with a firm mattress and a supportive pillow; don’t overheat yourself and allow plenty of ventilation.
• Treat yourself once a week with a massage, dinner out, the movies: Moderation is the key.
• Understand things from the other person’s point of view.
• Verify information from the source before exploding.
• Worry less: it really does not get things completed better or quicker.
• Express: Talk your feelings out with people you love and trust.
• Yearly goal setting: Plan what you want to achieve based on your priorities in your career, relationships, etc.
• Zest for life: Each day is a gift, smile and be thankful that you are a part of the bigger picture.

MOST IMPORTANTLY

Believe in yourself. All situations can be made into win –win situations if you relax and stay focused with a positive attitude. If you think you can… you can!

Don’t try to be perfect. It’s important to aim high and try reach for the stars. But keep things in balance. If you think that “anything less than perfect means I’ve failed” then you are creating mountains of unnecessary stress for yourself. Focus on doing your best but recognize that none of us can be perfect all of the time.

Take steps to overcome problems. Stay practical. Whenever faced with a road block, if you find yourself running out of ideas to fix the problem look around. There might be someone you know who can help you through.

Don’t keep things bottled up. Confiding in someone you trust and who will be supportive is a great way of alleviating stress and worry.

Keep things in perspective. Life is full of challenges. No one challenge is so big that it blocks our road to success. Don’t make it one!!

Anger is an automatic emotional response to a real or perceived threat. It generates energy as well as motivation to eliminate that threat. The greater the threat, the higher the level of arousal and greater motivation to eliminate it.

So the 3 key aspects of anger include

• Threat
• Energy
• Motivation

This shows that anger is a useful and positive emotion. Then why is it viewed negatively by most? We would need to study the varied reactions to anger provoking situations to understand this better. Some of these reactions include:

• Violent, destructive or harmful actions.
• Tantrums
• Hurtful or critical remarks (sarcasm or teasing)
• Passive-aggressive behaviour (hurtful actions such as being late, or cruel remarks that you don’t mean and so forth)
• Withdrawal (you retreat from the situation that incites anger, passive behaviour)
• Hurtful or destructive fantasies
• Suppression (you’re angry but you pretend that you’re not)
• Repression (you’re so good at suppressing your anger; you don’t even realize when something made you angry.)
• Constructive action (usually assertive or problem solving behaviour)

For most of us anger is synonymous with the first three reactions. Since the others are not openly expressed they are not associated with the ‘term’ anger even though they are with the ‘feeling’ anger. Getting a better idea of how we respond to anger provoking situations goes a long way in helping us use our anger to our benefit. The goal being that we become assertive in our responses.

Assertiveness Training is a program designed to learn how to use anger to energize us, motivate us and help us overcome our threats effectively and positively. It helps us become more confident and self assured.

Few tips to get started:

1. Make an anger journal. Make a note of the anger provoking situations as well as your pattern of response. A better understanding of our reactions helps us modify them.
2. Identify your goals. It is important for you to know exactly what change you want to achieve.
3. Establish a regular study time. It is important to make a commitment to work on recommended activities for a specified period each day.
4. Find a study partner. Sometimes you would be unable to objectively view your responses. Having someone who relates to you well would help you understand yourself better and also provide support and encouragement.

Anger not channelized effectively is destructive. It destroys love, trust and relationships. But the same anger managed effectively builds love, trust and relationships. Which side of the fence of anger do you want to be on?

• I am quick to say yes to requests before taking the time to consider what the task involves, or the time it may take.

• I have a difficult time telling family members and friends that they have done something that offends me.

• Sometimes it is hard to hang up on telemarketers, or to tell salespeople in stores that I am just window shopping.

• Voicing my opinion when a group is discussing an important matter is difficult, even when I think my opinion is valuable.

• Having to ask for clarification when I am confused about what someone has said makes me feel incompetent.

• I do not accept criticism well. I often get resentful or overreact to others who find fault in my performance or actions.

• I have difficulty accepting compliments and sometimes downplay my accomplishments, appearances or abilities.

• Requesting favors from others is something I do not often do.

• I have trouble informing people that I have changed my mind after I have agreed to do something for them.

• Returning an improperly prepared meal in a restaurant (or a defective item purchased in a store) is difficult for me.

Your score is __________________

INTERPRET YOUR SCORE

0 to 3 – A score of 0 indicates general comfort in expressing your preferences and opinions, as well as a generally high confidence level. If you checked a few items on the list, you may have difficulty asserting yourself in some specific circumstances and not in others. Look at the items again and see if there are any patterns of certain types of situations which make you uncomfortable. Work on these first, using the advice on these pages, to improve your effectiveness in communication.

4 to 6 – Scores in this range may indicate a general discomfort in requesting what you want, difficulty refusing what you don’t want, and hesitation in expressing your feelings. Use the advice on these pages as a start in becoming more assertive and persuasive in your interpersonal communication. If unassertiveness is a result of low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, or depression, you may want to personally contact me or a mental health professional.

7 to 10 – Your responses have indicated that you may have a great deal of difficulty asserting yourself in wide variety of situations. Assertiveness is not just a matter of “getting what you want”. It’s communicating effectively and learning not to give in when you don’t want to. A serious problem with lack of assertiveness and low self-esteem can lead to being taken advantage of or, in the worst case, being abused. Lack of assertiveness can be a sign of more serious personal problems. These pages can help get you started, however, if you find that low self-esteem or lack of confidence is seriously preventing you from achieving your goals, personally contact me or some other mental health professional.

]]> http://www.makethemostoflife.net/2009/09/11/test-your-assertiveness/feed/ 0 http://www.makethemostoflife.net/2009/08/30/thought_for_31_aug/ http://www.makethemostoflife.net/2009/08/30/thought_for_31_aug/#comments Sun, 30 Aug 2009 17:13:16 +0000 admin http://www.makethemostoflife.net/?p=49

“Winning is not a sometime thing; it’s an all the time thing. You don’t win once in a while; you don’t do things right once in a while; you do them right all the time.”

— Vince Lombardi, 1913-1970, Hall of Fame Football Coach

a) Say “what is wrong with you people. How can you even think of asking me out tonight? Don’t you know I    have an important meeting tomorrow? How insensitive of you.”

b) Say “Okay I’ll meet you later tonight”

c) Say “Okay I’ll come” but keep blaming and complaining all the time that you had to go.

d) Say “I would love to come tonight but since I have an important meeting early tomorrow morning I would have to skip the fun”

What emotions do you think you and those around would experience with each one of the above kind of responses, over a period of time?  Usually, these responses result in the following emotions…

a) A feeling of anxiety and stress. You would tend to feel bent and out of shape. They would tend to feel angry and resentful at the outburst. They would comply with your demand but feel negative and hostile towards you.

b) A feeling of helplessness and lethargy. They tend to feel dominating and imperialistic as they know they can always get their way with you.

c) A feeling of being victimized and wronged. They would feel confused in the beginning because they would believe it’s your choice but then tend to get angry with all the blaming and complaining.

d) A feeling of satisfaction and well being. They would tend to feel good about you as there is direct communication.

So which communication pattern are you following? Are you…

a) Aggressive? You may be winning your battles in the short run but I must warn you… you would lose the war in the long run.

b) Passive? You are just going along with everything in life and not making any kind of waves. You would tend to stay with this feeling of being used and low all your life.

c) Passive-aggressive? You are unable to get your way though you constantly want to teach others a lesson. Its building up a lot of anger within you.

d) Assertive? You sure know what you want and how to effectively get it. Congratulations!

So how would one define assertiveness?

Assertiveness means taking responsibility of your own life, feeling and actions. It would require you to change your perception and your communication pattern with others. Most people need to learn the art of being assertive. This enhances their quality of life and chances of success.

What would be your reasons to want to learn to be assertive?

• To be able to handle conflict
• To be more assertive with your boss
• To gain self confidence
• To become less aggressive
• To express yourself better
• To be able to win more arguments when you know you are right
• To be able to deal with situations better
• To communicate effectively with your partner
• To cope with difficult situations without getting emotional
• To stop feeling guilty for standing for yourself
• To turn confrontation into an adult to adult discussion
• To be able to take more risks in life
• To improve the quality of your life
• To….

In assertive behaviour you stand up or speak up for yourself without diminishing someone else’s rights. You state facts of the situation without getting emotional and adding past baggage about the person or situation. For example, if your child throws a tantrum, you feel it is better to ignore the tantrum because it would pass but your spouse feels the child should be scolded for the same. How would you respond in this situation? The passive way would of course be to agree with the spouse and scold the child and the aggressive way would be to shout and have an argument as to how you know more about disciplining, how your spouse only knows how to criticize and pull everyone down by shouting and so on. The passive aggressive would tell the child that I’m scolding you because my spouse wants me to scold you. The assertive response in this situation would be to say something like “I think it is better if we ignore this tantrum at the moment rather than scolding him because he gets more rebellious when we scold him and usually he cools down faster when we ignore him.”

It is also important to understand that you don’t have to assert yourself all the time. It’s good to just let go at times. You need to make a list of your priorities and choose the battles you want to fight. Very often you may find that there would be issues which in retrospect were not worth your being very assertive about. It might have been a better option for you to have let go of that particular situation. For example, your car mechanic told you he would fix and deliver your car by noon but he does not do so. Is it worth your going to the garage and being assertive with the mechanic or just letting go of the delay?

The first step towards assertiveness training involves you to be doing some serious soul searching and identifying yourself. You need to be penning down…

1. Which behaviour style do you usually operate in? Aggressive, passive, passive-aggressive or assertive.
2. Your reasons to want to learn to be assertive. A few examples have been suggested above but you have to identify your core reasons for yourself.
3. Your priorities in life. Keep the list as precise as possible. This will help you identify what is truly important to you in life and in turn help you decide when it is worth asserting and when it is good to just let go.

To sum up, I would want you to bear in mind that if your goal in life is to be successful in what you do, being either passive or passive-aggressive can definitely not achieve it because your brain experiences an increase in frustration. In aggressive behaviour your brain experiences an increase in anxiety and stress while with assertive behaviour it shows an increase in pleasure. Assertive behaviour helps both parties in a conversation feel happy and helps all around you as well. Learning to be assertive is interesting and an enriching experience of life.